I Left My Skin in Sandestin.

While there are innumerable stories I could post about the members of my traveling party over the last week, I've about decided that this is not the place for it. On the one hand, it's too easy to poke fun at one's own family, and on the other, it's too easy for them to read what I write. I'll let things cool off for a spell and then go about my venting in less obvious ways when I've recovered from my R&R.

Among the throngs of people vying for the coveted position of first against the wall when the revolution comes we now have the Coppertone R&D department. It seems somebody thought it would be a good idea to make sunblock that goes on like spray-on deodorant. They did, and it wasn't. You end up with a cloud of sticky, useless stuff that seems to call out to the UV gods, "Hey, look, I'm over here!" Anyway, when I get around to posting pictures you'll be able to see how unfairly the tanning genes were distributed in my clan.

Creditors don't seem to understand the concept of vacation. They just went ahead and sent bills last week anyway, when I was quite clearly not at home to pay them. I figure those shouldn't count, since they weren't considerate enough to bill me at my own convenience. I'm gonna be lucky if I can avoid an overdraft fee; it gets confusing when we switch months like that. I hate how they divide the calendar into such unmanageable chunks. What we need is an 8-day week, where you work two days on and two days off on average, and half the population alternates with the other half. Then put 32 days in the month, with 256 to the year; much better all around. The astronomers can sort out how it affects the rest of the cosmos. Maybe I'm just saying this because the sun and I aren't on particularly good terms right now, but whatever.

What I don't get is why monkeys never get sunburned, and who decided it was a good idea to develop fair skin in the first place. In the future you'll just take a pill at breakfast to determine what color your skin is for the day, unless you opt for the modular body package, where you mix & match limbs and features much like Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head. It's not just a game anymore; our grandchildren will be crawling on the floor trying to find their noses half the time, while generation Y is still fiddling with contact lenses.

The next big thing after that will be artificial beaches. I foresee Japan mastering the concept first, creating a comb-like island where 98% of the surface area is within 200 meters of the shoreline, and all the properties are perforce beachfront. The more dangerous the weather, it seems, the more valuable the property is these days, so the whole Ring of Fire could be a major attraction.

It'd be cool if supermodels could shed their skin all at once like snakes. There might be a market for a Heidi Klum shell somewhere. If nothing else, I'd buy a set of skin just to wear on the beach. Combine that with temporary freckles and you'd be set for life. Maybe the halfbakers should hear of these breakthroughs...

I'm actually working today, which means they didn't find a way to fire me while I was gone. I had hoped to hear an offer last Friday so I could've used last week as one of my 2 notice-weeks, but it looks like I'm stuck for a while. I didn't sell anything while I was out, but some people brought some things back, so it all evens out.

If Anybody Needs Me...

tough.

I'm going to the beach with my hyper-extended family for a week. Zoloft, don't fail me now.

My Legacy

I am contacting you on behalf of the Office of Student Life at Caltech because you are currently storing boxes in the Caltech SAC trunkroom. Due to the renovations to the South Houses that will be going on in the next year, the trunkroom is going to be completely emptied of its contents by June 26, 2005. If you are able, please remove your belongings by Friday June 24th at noon. If you are unable to do this, the Office of Student Life can move and store your belongings until October 8th, 2005 (end of the second week of classes) for a fee of $7 per box. If you would like the Office of Student Life to provide you with more information about what you have stored, please email cleanout@thebasement.pacifictech.edu.

Thank you.

Elizabeth
Communications Coordinator
Pactech Alumni Association

Hi,

I didn't realize I had something still down there. Could you please tell me what it is? You have my permission to open any boxes with my name on them.

Thank you,

Oscar

You have a blanket, throw pillow, some solaris 8 manuals, a box of plastic
easter eggs, some student health extension forms, what looks to be a 5x
board, a Technics CD player, a 15" monitor, a HP Deskjet 5000, and 2
plastic drawer units with assorted computer junk.

-Curtis Smith

Curtis,

Is there any candy in the Easter Eggs?

I think I can live without most of that stuff. You have my permission to donate the blanket, throw the pillow, recycle the manuals, eat the candy from the Easter Eggs (or hide them somewhere), shred and recycle the health forms, dump the 52 board somewhere (preferably the La Brea Tar Pits), donate the CD player to the nearest museum of natural history, and deposit whatever you can't identify in the Blacker or Dabney courtyard, whichever isn't full at the moment.

Thanks,

Oscar

Who'da Thunk?

I just bumped into a website covering written languages, and noticed an untranslated scripts section. What's funny is that what appears to be a left-handed swastika is included in European runes that are anywhere from 6500-8000 years old. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I don't even know what part of my head to scratch over that one. Maybe the Aryans invented writing.



Anyway, I've come up with a new system at work. Since I'm already going to be Written Up for not selling enough stuff per hour, and not selling enough replacement guarantees per stuff sold, I've decided to give all the credit for the rest of my sales to the other associates. It doesn't make sense for all of us to be written up at once anyway, and if one of them passes the threshhold and actually gets commission, then more power to them. There's no point in having more than $0 in sales if it's less than $180/hr and I'm getting the book thrown at me anyway.I really want to give notice really soon, and since I have all next week off for vacation, I could kill half my lame duck period with one strike.

For those of you who think I'm just whining, note that Tuesday we had three managers and three associates working at once, with maybe 2 customers per hour. Since my target sales aren't scaled by how many competitors I have, I really can't get too upset for missing an arbitrary number. Now, if the overlord says I don't have enough RSG %, I can remind him that I gave away four of them to another associate. Maybe the beneficiaries of my new plan will let me use their discounts when I'm retired and making actual spending money.

I've gotta run now if I want to eat breakfast, which I do, so I will.

Phase 1 Complete

One of the best-known, if not the deepest, 20th-century philosophers had this to say about job interviews:

But what about the date, there's dating going on, on this room, right now. We can all feel that little bit of tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night ? Only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with".

I think he's on to something, but it goes both ways. Some dates turn out not to be dates. I mean, you pick the girl up, feed her dinner, open the doors, the whole nine yards, but it doesn't count because of some technicality (who ever heard of a third cousin?). By the same token, there are job interviews that turn out not to be job interviews. Some of them are pyramid scams, some cram 20 people into an office and herd them like cattle, and still others switch from being employer to being employee without batting an eyelash.

The lady today said she would consult with her staff to see if they could help me, and wanted to schedule a second interview. Of course she asked me to bring a loved one with me, which was weird, but whatever. After going over all of the ways her company will bend over backwards to help make an executive out of me, she casually mentions, "Of course, there's a cost involved."

It reminded me of the scene in that movie where Deuce is settling terms with his first "client," and she's trying to explain to him that he's her client. She wants him to pay $1000, while he's trying to get her to cough over $40. I was in a similar situation; they wanted me to pay $1500-$5000 for the privilege of putting on a suit in 90-degree weather to go to a fake interview. They might not be first against the wall when the revolution comes, but they won't have to wait long.

On the entrepreneur front, I've bought another car load of books. I'm taking inventory now, and will post it here for my imaginary friends to read. My favorite find so far is a ten-volume set of Bancroft's History of the United States published from 1866 through the 1870s, with original binding and in half-decent shape. It's hard to figure out what they're worth, but there are people online trying to sell incomplete sets for over $400. I paid $50 for them, and should be able to get $100 without too much problem, although I may just hang on to them, since they're so interesting. I'll post some scans and quotations from some of the quainter titles.

It's really fun buying 60- to 100-year-old books for less than the cost of blank paper. Now all that remains is to figure out Phase 2.