Surely the father of Dilbert would know.

Hi,

I had this question on my mind, and I'm submitting it to some of the world's foremost thinkers. I just emailed Kip Throne and Stephen Hawking, and I figure you're probably next in line.

Here goes: Basically, if an astronaut gets too close to the boundary of a black hole and gets sucked in, does his soul escape? If not, can he be said to have really died, or is he stuck forever in an undead state? The laws of physics break down inside one of those (at least as far as physicists can figure (phigure?)), but what about the rules that govern the important stuff?

Don't worry if you can't come up with a good answer. You don't have anything to worry about form Hawking in the comic strip department.

Yours,

Oscar J. Carlton IV
DNRC Member since 2000

And people say I have no humility.

I submitted this query to two people who are decidedly smarter than me, to see if I could stump them. Tell me what ya'll think. (Don't operate heavy machinery within 24 hours of reading this, because you'll probably get dizzy.)

Kip,

I just finished reading A Brief History of Time by that gambling buddy of yours, Dr. Hawking, and came up with a thought experiment that made me scratch my head. He mentions in a couple of instances how unfortunate it would be for an astronaut to be sucked into a black hole, and I was initially inclined to agree with him.

However, even though I don't see a way to survive such a trip, I'm not sure it's possible to die from it either. From a quantum theological perspective, if one is sucked into a black hole and spaghettified beyond all recognition, is his soul able to escape? If not, then there is no way for him or her to reach Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory; he's essentially in limbo for all eternity. Of course, if you can't separate your soul from your corpse, then you can't be sure you're dead.

Ergo, poltergeists could conceivably exist, although they can't do much spooking if they can't escape the black hole. QED.

My head hurts, but I'm just a mere mortal. What do you think? Is the hapless astronaut doomed to be undead forever (although his conception of time in his place of rest is a whole other headache)? Or does the soul eject at the last instant and allow the corporeal components to be compacted into oblivion?

I'm losing sleep over this, Kip, and if you can't answer this paranormal paradox, I'm gonna have to start my own Theogravitational cult.

Thanks,

Oscar J. Carlton IV
Theoretical Engineer and Applied Metaphysicist
Red Necktologies

P.S. Maybe you could consider having NASA sprinkle your ashes into the first event horizon we manage to reach with a probe. Seems fitting, don't you think?

This picture is remarkable only in that it's the first one I took with my digicam. I need a job.

The one on the right is my cousin Jack, in the Caltech class of 2019. On the left is Clayton, his partner in crime, and brother to the cousin^2 in the previous picture.

My cousin's cousin (no relation, at least not by Alabama standards). She tends to be more photogenic than my family.

Apparently I'm not qualified

for Unemployment Compensation. First I didn't find the place in the 7 days they gave me from the time I called the people (b/c the state and local systems don't communicate unless it's in their favor, not mine). If they'd had an online app, it would've saved me hours, but as it was I had to wait on the dude to type my crap in at like 10 words a minute.

Made it to the gym, but didn't last long. The warm-up about killed me. My barber the Colonel's son wants me to be an officer in the Air Force (it's just like being a "civillian in a blue suit"), but you have to run a mile and a half (not to mention being at the mercy of the current c-in-c). Combine that with a 4-year commitment to make 75% of what a comparable civillian position makes, and I think I'll pass over (or under) the wild blue yonder. What's the point if you're too blind to fly anyway? I would look sexy in a blue suit though.

I applied to BP, Apple, Pixar, Cisco, Comcast, and Charter today, among others. I'm just going down the list of Wired's 40 Companies to Watch and using the classifieds in the paper. Naturally, I've had to re-enter the same information close to 200 times by now in slightly different formats for all the different job sites. This is supposed to be the information age; pick a standard and run with it, for the love of Pete.

Since they never read cover letters, and I figure somebody should read this one I did at 3 this morning for Apple:

I wish to obtain a job with an industry-leading or up-and-coming high technology company whose mission I appreciate and whose products I respect. Apple's history in the marketplace at times reads like a romantic novel, and, while I understand the importance it places on gorgeous hardware and smart marketing, I also realize that the secret to its success has always been intuitive, user-centric software. In this area I know I would be an asset to the company creatively and technically. While my credentials may lean toward mechanical engineering and mathematics, don't let that fool you. I've used computers religiously and relentlessly, and can tell which systems were developed to make the users' lives easier and which were made with the programmers' convenience paramount. I know, as Apple obviously understands, that the next era in the information age will come about by refining powerful but awkward technologies into ubiquitous smart tools (and toys) that learn the user's habits instead of the other way around. In the words of Arthur C. Clarke, you know your product has hit home when it becomes "indistinguishable from magic."

If you haven't noticed, I tend to alternate between naive optimism and complete misanthropy.